Another week, another new single off of 1989, this one about T. Swizz’s new true love: New York City. But there are already so many songs about New York City! It’s like, usually Taylor Swift’s songs are my heart’s feelings in song form, but this time my heart is like I GET it, Taylor, IT’S BEEN DONE BEFORE. Obviously Taylor Swift possesses a lyrical talent to rival the greatest songwriters of our time, so here are a few humble suggestions for some of the things Taylor could write about for her next album.
- Usually when I go out into the world I try wear clothing I didn’t sleep in and maybe even a sweep of mascara (of course, Taylor is always much more polished than my slobby self but no duh, she’s a goddess). Every now and then, though, I slip up! Like I wear a completely unflattering groutfit and it is always, always, ALWAYS on these occasions that I run into a human whom I find to be attractive and it’s the worst. Now, I know Taylor wouldn’t be caught dead in a giant gray tee emblazoned with “Vail Spring Break 2010,” but maybe every now and then she has a hair out of place and then what do you know there’s Harry Styles?
Sample lyrics: “I bumped into you today / I really wish I hadn’t / ‘Cause right before I saw you / I spilled coffee on my jacket”
- I think there might be literally nothing worse than burnt popcorn, so long as we’re taking war and suffering out of the equation. It smells terrible, it tastes awful, and worst of all, you just spent two minutes standing in front of your microwave trying to prevent this very situation. Why can’t microwave companies just make a popcorn button that works?! I’m sure Taylor knows what I’m talking about.
Sample lyrics: “How come my popcorn always gets burnt / It’s such a problem I wish that it weren’t / It just makes me feel so blue / Haven’t felt this bad since I broke up with you”
- I’m pretty sure the way weekends work is that there is either nothing going on when you really feel like partying, or there are eight commitments that you have and you just want to watch Netflix. Supwitdat?? I’m sure singing along to a Taylor Swift song would make this issue more bearable.
Sample lyrics: “I have too many parties to go to / And I just want to watch SVU / And I really don’t know what to do / I’m still so brokenhearted over you”
So please, Taylor, as you’re gearing up for your next album, think about us normals and the songs we need and deserve to make it through the daily slog.