Ever feel like online dating is like having a second job? This guy does.
And good for you professional online daters: you can make $50 for every date you set him up on, using his online dating accounts. Luckily, his standards aren’t “super high – they have to look good, be somewhat ambitious and independent, and be kind / a good person (possibly like to volunteer). That’s pretty much it!” That’s it!
Read the full add below, and apply at your discretion…
Something interesting happened to me on the subway recently. I was going to work, which wasn’t unusual – it was a Thursday. I was a little drunk from the night before. Also not unusual – I am irresponsible. What made this an extraordinary situation was that someone spoke to me. Continue reading
I’m not a big Sex and the City fan, and I find Sarah Jessica Parker’s Carrie Bradshaw pretty insufferable—as I wrote in a letter to my English teacher when I was 17, “she is self-centered, over-confident, needy, selfish, and has a false sense of importance.” So I didn’t really care when I heard that there would be a SATC prequel called The Carrie Diaries, and I didn’t really care when I heard it was canceled after two seasons. But then I started watching the first season on Netflix, and omigod, it’s the best, in no small part because young Carrie is nowhere near the monster she later becomes (maybe because she’s a virgin? DID SEX RUIN CARRIE BRADSHAW?!). I highly recommend it for the following reasons: Continue reading
Another week, another new single off of 1989, this one about T. Swizz’s new true love: New York City. But there are already so many songs about New York City! It’s like, usually Taylor Swift’s songs are my heart’s feelings in song form, but this time my heart is like I GET it, Taylor, IT’S BEEN DONE BEFORE. Obviously Taylor Swift possesses a lyrical talent to rival the greatest songwriters of our time, so here are a few humble suggestions for some of the things Taylor could write about for her next album.
- Usually when I go out into the world I try wear clothing I didn’t sleep in and maybe even a sweep of mascara (of course, Taylor is always much more polished than my slobby self but no duh, she’s a goddess). Every now and then, though, I slip up! Like I wear a completely unflattering groutfit and it is always, always, ALWAYS on these occasions that I run into a human whom I find to be attractive and it’s the worst. Now, I know Taylor wouldn’t be caught dead in a giant gray tee emblazoned with “Vail Spring Break 2010,” but maybe every now and then she has a hair out of place and then what do you know there’s Harry Styles?
Sample lyrics: “I bumped into you today / I really wish I hadn’t / ‘Cause right before I saw you / I spilled coffee on my jacket”
- I think there might be literally nothing worse than burnt popcorn, so long as we’re taking war and suffering out of the equation. It smells terrible, it tastes awful, and worst of all, you just spent two minutes standing in front of your microwave trying to prevent this very situation. Why can’t microwave companies just make a popcorn button that works?! I’m sure Taylor knows what I’m talking about.
Sample lyrics: “How come my popcorn always gets burnt / It’s such a problem I wish that it weren’t / It just makes me feel so blue / Haven’t felt this bad since I broke up with you”
- I’m pretty sure the way weekends work is that there is either nothing going on when you really feel like partying, or there are eight commitments that you have and you just want to watch Netflix. Supwitdat?? I’m sure singing along to a Taylor Swift song would make this issue more bearable.
Sample lyrics: “I have too many parties to go to / And I just want to watch SVU / And I really don’t know what to do / I’m still so brokenhearted over you”
So please, Taylor, as you’re gearing up for your next album, think about us normals and the songs we need and deserve to make it through the daily slog.
I celebrated a milestone recently: for an entire year, I lived with the same person.
This is no small feat. Until now, I haven’t lived with anyone longer than 6 months. It’s not because we didn’t get along; that was actually the problem. My past roommates have been close friends who I saw constantly. When we weren’t in our shared space, we were eating together, drinking together, shopping together, taking vacations, playing mini golf, making questionable life choices…together. Familiarity breeds contempt.